No Friends, No Friends When I Need Them

It’s so good to be back! After a week of camp (specifically Guide camp) I am more than exhausted. A week where I didn’t write at all, I just filled up the majority of my sketchbook! Haha, I do have a lot to talk about, but the way of saying those things is hard. I can never find the right words when I need them. Today I’m going to talk about friendship – and who I want to be.

I want to be good friend, I want to be able to shut out the people who don’t care about me anymore. And I want to loosen up, be perfectly not OCD. 

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Sketch By “Kitty Jade”

According to my two closest friends, I am ‘too’ kind. I accept cows and chickens in my life because I am kind, but this is wrong. If I’m nice to everyone I’m torturing myself, not allowing myself pure and comfortable friendships.

This is why it’s hard, for me, to let go. I can’t let go of these people I used to love. Used to love. They broke the friendship, about a million times, before there isn’t even a chance left. I yesterday watched Jessie Paege’s ‘How To Survive Back To School With No Friends” video, and she talked about encouraging yourself to open up, when I need to encourage myself to close down.

I am silently bullied, by this torture. Every kind hand I give out, I get nothing back. I don’t expect to get something back from being kind, but I expect happiness. That’s not what happens.

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Sketch By “Kitty Jade”

I have one brilliant, amazing, Whovian bestie. I barely see her, which hurts – but at least she left the school before more pressure could be conducted. She’s safe. I’m broken.

Please tell me if you have any ideas, tricks or tips to help me let go. I would gladly appreciate it.

All the love and support, 

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